Have you ever been in a situation where you are not really sure if a guy is into you because you are getting mixed signals? Well I think almost every girl has been there. These mixed signals can mean that the guy is not intentional about pursuing you. Being intentional in this context means that he is pursuing you with a purpose to be with you or because he sees you as his potential wife. If this is not the case, then it is a waste of time because the fruit and the purpose of dating is to find a life partner. It might not work out that you get married even when it is your intention to, but at least you are dating purposefully, protecting each others hearts. We need to understand that our time has a lot of value, we are created for a purpose and every minute is an opportunity to carry out or find out that purpose. When we allow certain people to waste our time, it slows down achieving our purpose. It is important to know that not everyone helps us in fulfilling our God given purpose some people slow us down or take us in a completely different direction. So we cannot allow just anyone in, particularly someone that is not intentional about pursing us. We must guard our hearts because out of it comes the abundance of life (I have written a lot about the importance of this in my older posts).
The bible states that we should not ignore common sense (sound wisdom) and discernment (Proverbs 3:21). Well one can argue that common sense is not common but common sense is really about exercising good judgement; and that good judgement comes from common experiences or signs. This post is going to list out some of the common signs that show a guy is not intentional. The list is not exhaustive but these are just a few common ones:
1. INCONSISTENCY: A guy that likes you will be consistent with and about pursuing you. This would be in the attention he gives you and also by his actions. For example, communication - he might not text you every day but he would not leave weeks or days before he reaches out to you. In other words, his actions and communications are regular. One of the causes of mixed signals is a guy’s inconsistency in his communication and this should raise a red flag. This is because, to an extent it means the person is unstable or unpredictable and this is not someone you want to give your heart to. You need to guard your heart till you figure out the reason for the inconsistency. Remember everyone makes time for what is important to him or her, so being too busy in never a good enough reason to be inconsistent.
2. CONVERSATION: This is very important and almost goes hand in hand with consistency. This is because a guy can be consistent just so he can take advantage of you or fulfill his short-term desires. We live in a world that breed’s lust and a lot of people would do almost anything to fulfill their lustful intentions, including their consistency in communicating with you. So you cannot judge consistency on its own but also in addition with the type of conversation you both have. One must pay close attention to the type topics you talk about; is it Spirit filled or is it mostly worldly/sexual? What you say flows from what is in your heart (Luke 6:45), so you can know a persons heart through his conversation. Also does the conversation focus on fulfillment of long term plans (including you in his plans) or short term ones, does he want to get to know more about you or is he more interested in your physical appearance? If you find out that the latter is always the case then this is a red flag!
3. PURPOSE: It is very tricky to put your intentions out there because sometimes it might be premature. The bible says - Do not awaken love until the time is right (Songs of songs 8:4). This is very important because it can possibly lead to a mistake being made (i.e. scaring the person off). This is why we should ask God for wisdom, he would let us know when the time is right. However, at some point a guy that likes you will let you know and would not be scared to put himself out there. This is some of the responsibility/ risk a guy has to take. He would make his intentions clear, whether he wants a relationship or if he is ready for marriage and he sees you as a potential wife. When a guy is consistent for years or months without making his intentions clear, this raises a red flag. Also another red flag is the ‘let’s see how it goes’ line because it leads to a directionless relationship that can either go somewhere or nowhere. We must guard our heart!
4. INFATUATION: We would be surprised at how much a person can do or say when he is led by infatuation. A guy can say everything and anything when he is attracted to a girl. Be very careful when it comes to this. I wrote a post about infatuation, please read if you want to know more on this (http://www.datingwithgodliness.com/blog/but-i-really-like-himher-infatuation-vs-love). If a guy is infatuated it might almost seem like he is in love with you, infatuation is very quick but love is patient (1 Corinthians 13:4), you need to take your time to get to know each other. If a guy is ready to commit to a relationship within days or weeks after meeting you, it does not necessarily mean that he is intentional about being with you. Being intentional would mean he is purposefully and carefully pursuing you. Be patient and get to know each other. Plus, the foundation of a relationship cannot be based on infatuation solely and this is a red flag if that is the case.
5. HASTE: This goes hand in hand with infatuation. I have separated it however, because sometimes the haste is not about infatuation but it has to do more with time i.e. time to heal from past relationships or time to individually build a relationship with God. A guy that is in a rush to ‘be with you’ is not intentional about pursuing you. In fact he is most likely infatuated or impatient. It takes time to get to know a person and gain knowledge about a persons character, likes, dislikes etc., a few weeks or months is not enough time to get to know a person. Even if God has led them to you, you still have to take your time to know that person. Desire without knowledge is not good—how much more will hasty feet miss the way! (Proverbs 19:2). You cannot make a decision based on desire alone, gain knowledge too!
6. RELATIONS WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX: You guys might go out a couple of times, maybe with group of friends. How he relates to the opposite sex is very important. If he is flirty or his eyes wander then this is a RED FLAG. This does not only show lack of commitment but it also shows that he is not ready to handle a godly relationship. Now this is not a permission to go crazy and call him out every time he speaks to a female but watch how he communicates with them. A guy that is intentional about you would put you first and respect you.
7. BODY LANGUAGE: If you have gone out on a couple of dates, you have to check his body language. Is he very touchy, for example he wants to kiss you on the first date. Then this is a sign that a guy might not understand the importance of purity in a relationship. Even worse, he might only be pursuing you to get with you and not because he wants to be with you. This is a red flag!
A guy would either pursue you because he is serious about being with you or to take advantage of you. We must be careful, prayerful and learn to discern well. Many of us fall blindly because we ignore a lot of signs. Ask God to guard your heart and also ask him for wisdom.
PS. if he does not love and serve God then we should not even consider a relationship, being equally yoked is important!!